There’s a special club full of women with issues surrounding older men in their lives. These women have faced a life-long struggle establishing healthy relationships and interacting in a “normal” way with the men around them. At times, these women – because of their actions, people who they choose to keep company with, and as a consequence of the judgment of others- are dubbed rather unjustly as women with “daddy issues.” I am one of these women.
A few weeks ago, I went out to the bar with some friends, ready to have a good time. Let’s be honest, ready to have a great time, as I knew I would be seeing an ex-fling with his new girlfriend. Needless to say, I was quite intoxicated, and loving life. In my drunken haze, I found someone to meet the needs of the night (a good bang.) Most of the night was quite a blur, but I do remember having my needs met, accomplishing the goal of the night.
I awoke with the heart stopping question, “where am I?” I felt a hand caress my back and the first thought to enter my mind was, “you’re rubbing off my spray tan.” Turning to meet my bed companion meant turning to meet a man 13 years my senior, a divorcee with two kids (don’t worry they were not in the house.) To say this was the most “what the fuck” hook up of my life would be correct.
I’m in my early twenties! I hook up with guys who wear pastel pants, or have sexy blue collar jobs, or can debate current events and issues with me. I frequent apartments where roommates are needed to split the bills, and nobody knows what the hell their plans are in the next 6 months or even 6 hours. But here I was in the house of a man in his mid-thirties…what is my life. This was a very odd series of events for me.
At first I wanted to just forget the whole thing happened, to chastise myself for even thinking of hooking up with someone that much older. But as he texted me and as I let myself go back to his house over and over…I realized this grown ass man was filling a void I didn’t know I had. I don’t mean a relationship void, I mean a sexual void.
There is just something about having an older man who knows what he’s doing, and isn’t afraid to tell you what he wants, that made the experience that much better. It feels like I’m not in control, but I feel ok with it because he’s got it. I usually have authority issues, and hate having people tell me what to do. But when he laid down his rules for me or even yelled at me for things, I didn’t rebel, I actually kind of liked it. I liked someone being stern with me, calling me out for things, and for once having a guy I didn’t feel superior to (yeah I can be conceited.)
I’m not saying in the slightest that this is healthy. This is a time in my life where I have no idea what the hell I’m doing and why this man is filling a void. But I want you to know I understand when you need to do things for you and no one else can understand it that well. Especially in the bedroom, where things are deeply personal.
I have my dirty little secret, the man I hook up with on occasion which helps me feel better about myself and the “daddy issues” I battle with is 13 years my senior. Having a hook up buddy so far out from your day-to-day life can be a huge stress relief and allow you to experiment with a sexual side you never knew you had. As long as you’re being safe, it’s your life, go ahead and do you (or him.)