I have to give credit where credit is due – many Republicans are REALLY committed to making sure women’s lives are a retelling of the first three chapters in The Handmaid’s Tale. They don’t let superfluous things, like data (access to birth control makes teen pregnancies decline, duh) or a moral compass (women report that the cancer screening services offered by PP saved their lives) get in the way. No, they are very, very busy trying to make sure we don’t have access to affordable pap smears and breast exams.
Anyways, Republicans these days seem a little tense, so here are some alternative activities they can do instead of trying to defund Planned Parenthood:
Swallow a Monistat application
Eat an avocado
Nap, and then see if they feel better after that?
Maybe peg each other
Come to terms with their latent homosexuality (I mean it. Your fear of the LGBT community says a lot more about you than you think)
Stress eat a pan of brownies
Tell each other their virginity stories – (Paul Ryan: “It was after the last day of tennis camp. We did it in her father’s basement on top of a ping pong table. It lasted 12 seconds.” Mitch McConnell: “The year was 1810. My mother had hatched me along the Carolina shore just a few summers prior. I knew that in order to feel the warmth of a woman, I would have to discover a dark spell that could free me from this tortoise body.” Ted Cruz: “Do you take off your human skin suit before or after you touch your wife?”)
Try a perm. Why not!
Think about what it might be like to kiss Tom Brady
Hold up the line at Chipotle trying to decide between black beans or pinto
Mourn their loveless marriages
Pinch their own nipples, just to feel alive
Try a new hobby – like areal yoga or respecting women
Create a joint Facebook account with their female captor, I mean wife
Watch videos of Jake Kodish dancing. I mean, really, really watch them.
Cry into a bowl of soup
Just fuck off, in general
Republicans – I feel for you. Life is hard. You’re lashing out, and you think you’re doing something noble and strong, but all we hear when you lobby against us is “I fall asleep each night, alone, in cum stained sheets.” Take a couple yoga breaths, find you center, and get the fuck out of our lives.