In 23 years my heart has had numerous ups and downs. Crushes to “heartbreaks.” But it was honestly fine until you came into my life. Yes, you. I remember it so perfectly how you came sweeping into my life. I met you at my fall freshman year sorority formal. You found me outside drinking by myself to get away from my drunken sisters and the guy I was dating, who was probably the worst human there. You sat outside with me for 30 minutes just talking about life and laughing your goofy laugh at how I kept spilling the god awful drink my sister had made me because I talk too much with my hands. You kept your distance and were always so generous when I needed a fraternity party to bring a guy friend from another school to. You knew how to be my friend, and more importantly a gentleman.
Going into sophomore year you continued to sport your gentleman like ways. I tried to play like I didn’t care that you would stay up until 4 am after sorority recruitment to walk me to my car or that you invited me to your lake parties or anything to spend time with me because I didn’t think my heart should belong to you. Yet somehow you kept prying your way in and finally, my roommate, convinced me to go on a date with you.
Like most first dates in college, I wasn’t nervous and in fact, I had come up with strategies to crawl my way out of it. Maybe I was too busy with homework or I had to go handle something with my sorority. However, when I jumped in the Tahoe I felt a calm. A calm feeling that I had never felt before until I was with you. While the date wasn’t perfect from the outside looking in (cheap Mexican, napkins spilt all over us due to a clumsy waiter and the fact I couldn’t even eat a quesadilla), but it was perfect to me. I remember when you dropped me off and walked me to my apartment and only hugged me in your gentleman ways. I felt like I could’ve had you come inside to stay up and talk for hours and nothing more.
After that and a few dates later of driving around our sweet little college town, I was yours and you were mine and I couldn’t picture anything more or anything less. We had our ups and downs, but who doesn’t? During the downs we made it through and came out stronger than ever.
Everyone who encountered you loved you not just for you, but for who you made me. I was on top of the world when I was with you. You taught me what it was like to love someone unconditionally for all of their flaws. Over the course of our time together you promised me the world, a ring and a lifetime of happiness with you and to be frank I really believed you and I guess you had us all fooled.
Fast forward to a year and a half later. We were both home for the summer and each having our internships at home or taking classes at a instate school. This is where it all goes to hell. Looking down at my phone and having 7 missed calls and the most monotone voicemail sent shivers up my back that something was truly wrong and turns out it was.
When you answered I didn’t feel the calm anymore, I felt sheer fear and stricken pain shoot through my body as if someone had stuck a knife in my heart. That’s when the words came across your lips that you were no longer going to live in our sweet little college town and that we should end things. Nothing more and nothing less.
I think I blacked out after that because I came to laying in my bed sobbing, not because I had been dumped, but because the calmness and sheer passionate love was ripped out from me with no warning and no explanation. As I tried to grasp for straws I had no answers and nothing to build my case on. You then disappeared from social media and from the world. What happened to you? Not only did my heart hurt from the pain, but also from the notion of not knowing if you were ok.
Some say some they’ll move on someday when they stop loving someone, but in this case I didn’t have a chance to stop loving someone, I was forced to. I knew you weren’t coming back and wallowing would only make it worse. I tried many times to find someone to replace that calmness and nothing would work, nothing would fill that for a very long time.
I am very happy with where I am today and have accepted that you aren’t coming back, but I don’t think I can ever forget who you are and what you taught me.
I hope you get what you deserve.