It’s Sunday morning. Your eyes heavy and body aching from the night before, you jerk your arm towards the nightstand to grab your cell phone and check the time, but your arm doesn’t find the nightstand. Instead, it is stopped by a slightly softer, warmer mass. Suddenly, your memories flood back to you. That’s right! There’s a man in your bed.
“I’m sorry,” you whisper as you carefully reach around him to check the time. It’s 9am. Give him another hour and, like you, he’ll be fully awake. But that hour passes. So does the next. And the only movement your guest has made was to wipe the drool dribbling from the corner of his mouth onto your freshly cleaned sheets.
Your stomach starts to growl. You can’t stop thinking about the cold pizza in your refrigerator. Maybe you could have one piece and eat it really quickly. But just as you are about to creep off to the kitchen, you picture your guest waking up while your head is in the refrigerator shoving pizza in your mouth. You decide against it.
But you’re hungry, you’re wide awake and you’re ready to move on with your day. So how do you handle the morning after?
Option 1 – The Gentile Approach
Give him a little shove. Not working? Shove him again…and again. Keep going until he begins to rock from side to side. If the pushing doesn’t jostle him awake, then the rocking motion will remind him of being aboard a small boat in the middle of the ocean. He will soon be bolting out of bed and running to the nearest trash can before you can say ipecac.
Option 2 – The Cleaner Gentler Approach
Use your mouth. (Not in that way.) Say a phrase like “Hi”, “Hello?”, “Good morning or actually good afternoon because your lazy a..” Well, you get the picture.
Option 3 – The Commercial Approach
Before the days of DVR when you were forced to watch commercials, Folgers and Oscar Mayer taught us something important: the smell of coffee and bacon can awake even those seeming to be under the influence of Ambien. So, put that Keurig to good use, fry up some bacon and your guest will not only be glad he stayed, but have no reason to stay anymore.
WARNING: This approach, while highly effective, could turn your overnight guest into a “Stage 5 Clinger.” Brew and fry with care.
Option 4 – The Domestic Approach
That’s right. Fire up that vacuum June Cleaver.
Option 5 – The Charitable Approach
If all else fails, take your phone out, start recording and say the following:
“I [state your name] nominate [state his name] for the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. He accepts.”
Then pour away.
(Disclaimer: Cassie holds no liability to what happens to you and your relationship after trying any of these tactics. Proceed at your own risk.)