Once upon a time there was a girl (me) who brought her vibrator to college, where it lived a life of solitude accompanying me from dorm room to dorm room and into off campus living. The whole time it lived in a cracker box that sat on my bedside table in each place.
Yes, friends, if you were wondering if I really loved crackers that much… the answer is no, I do not.
Genius, eh? Hiding a sex toy in plain sight…. Or so I thought until one night post-party my drunken best male friend (what’s up, T) got the munchies… only to discover my purple, sparkly, multi speed friend instead of a cracker.
To this day we joke about cracker boxes.
The point of that little tale? Sometimes we want to hide our sex toys. I don’t think we should have to, but sometimes its a necessary evil – for example when family is in town to visit.
The question becomes, where to hide them?
- Cracker Box: Clearly, we all know this works, happy to have tested it out for you. Just make sure your drunk friends and family stay away from it.
- Bedside Table Drawer: The trusty standby. Looking for a twist? Second drawer down is my go to for when company is in town. That way if mom is being a touch nosy, there is a lesser chance of a situation.
- Toy Chest: A wise, wise friend of mine has a chest of toys under her bed. It’s brilliant. I love it and it makes me wish that there was room for such things under my bed.
- Don’t Give A Fuck: Let your freak flag fly and say fuck it. Do you, boo.
Now, how to hide them?
- Step 1: Open storage location of choice
- Step 2: Insert (HA) toys
- Step 3: Close storage location
My battery-operated boyfriend is the only man that has never let me down and, as such, deserves to be dipped in gold and mounted on my wall. But discretion is also quite necessary because nothing disrupts the fung shui of your apartment like a silicone penis in the middle of the room.
Listen, hiding your toys isn’t at all about being ashamed of your sexuality! Think of it more like….giving yourself an orgasm-inducing gift to unwrap every day. Tis the season, no?