First of all – it is a dark and desperate age we live in, that I am in a position where I feel obligated to write this. I don’t know who started this centuries old game of telephone, and how it began with “send thy lady an oil portrait and a wagon full of Maltese puppies” to “maybe I should make her a mixed tape and leave these glossy photos of my basketball head on her doorstep” and ended with “a picture of my wrinkled, erect penis is what I should assault her with first thing in the morning.” Help us God, one and all.
If you happen to get an unsolicited picture of someone’s penis, I’m sorry. The only times I’ve understood women to be happy with a banana gram are when they a) asked for it expressly, or b) are in a coma and have been living in a Lisa Frank dreamscape since 1998, where everyone is still listening to Hit Clips and microwaving Capri Suns, just to feel alive.
So in the event you are gifted with an unsolicited and ill-advised picture of someone’s baby arm, please feel free to respond in any of the following ways.
Tell him, “ha! That’s awesome. I love when dudes open up with a joke.”
Send back pictures of Jack Nicholson on the beach, looking not unlike a penis himself.
Tell him, “thank god, I’ve been waiting for someone to finally do a comparison with me,” and attach a picture of a bigger penis.
Say, “that’s cool, but how would we thumb wrestle over the phone?”
Send him back one of Anthony Weiner’s many sexual pictures.
Submit it to the newspaper as part of his obituary.
Send back the picture of the Planters Peanut in bifocals and a top hat saying, “who wore it better.”
Put it up for adoption on PetFinder.
Ask him if he uses it to bait fish.
Block his number and buy yourself a drink – but not before you send it to your group chat, where you all cackle like the benevolent sorceresses you are.