Before you even open your grey face, twitter egg mouth to argue with me (you know you’re successful when the trolls come out to play… right?) – all of these have truly been said to me or one of my lovely writing partners here at TSL, so leave me alone and go find a sports team to yell at.
Question: If you were a shoe, what would you be?
Answer: A shoe is an accessory, which I’m not. Like the foot or the leg, I’m a necessity that you need in order to move forward. Better yet, I’m not a piece of a whole: I am the whole damn package. But if you were a shoe, I think you might be the uniform of uninteresting, mediocre men aka the New Balance.
Question: What is your favorite thing to cook?
Answer: The blood that I will now let from your throat, heated to a perfect 110 degrees, so that I may poach some eggs and toast.
Question: Can I pay you in wine?
Answer: Are you able to stay erect? I’m sorry, I thought we were both asking questions wherein the answer was a resounding “no.”
Question: So you want to be a screen writer, huh? What are your favorite kind of movies, chick flicks?
Answer: My favorite movies are the ones I will soon write, where the women are complex, well-developed, interesting characters and all the men are non-speaking townspeople.
Comment: Feminists just want attention. Its white men who are really being oppressed, we can’t say anything anymore.
Response: I’m sorry you still haven’t figured out how to make a woman orgasm. Your family must be ashamed of you.
Comment: Did you know; you can prevent rape if you just look your rapist in the eye? It works, I read about it.
Response: (Light yourself on fire and drag him to hell with you).
Comment: You girls. You’re always talking about girl stuff.
Response: Right you are. Our favorite topics are classism, wealth inequity, women we’re inspired by and the fact that your masculinity is so fragile, you are too embarrassed to tell people you do yoga.
Comment: There are just things women can’t do that men can. I’m sorry, it’s just science.
Response: I’m sorry that your rock band failed and now you work at a subway.
BONUS: When, after you are offered a job and the pay is half the salary you deserve and you rightfully decline the offer, the man who interviewed you then tries to holler at you via email:
Comment: Here’s my number. LOL. Any fun plans this weekend?
Response: (Delete email. Drink a glass of wine and consider sending him a honorable mention ribbon that says, you tried.)