Recently I overheard some women discussing the veritable pros and cons of relationships and whether a spark or stability was more important when looking for love.
“Guys invented the “spark” so that they could not call, and treat you kind of bad, and keep you guessing, and they convince you that that anxiety and that fear that they’re throwing at you is actually, just a “spark”. And you guys all buy it. You eat it up. And you love it. You love it because you feed off that drama. You all love that drama.“
– Alex, He’s Just Not That Into You
I have to admit, at first I was a little taken aback – aren’t stability AND a spark important? Alex, the He’s Just Not That Into You love guru, may have nailed it with how the spark can get spun, but I do believe that there is a fundamental part of that “spark” that does indeed matter. I wouldn’t call it the spark, I would call it attraction. You can’t be in a relationship with someone that you aren’t attracted to, period.
Well, I guess you could, but that would be miserable. The attraction is likely the first thing that brought you together, that made you say hello, or buy a beer, or back that ass up in the darkness of your favorite club. It was attraction: one that lasts through the relationship, and one that is not used to create senseless drama the way that not calling back does.
Now, most relationships have their ups and downs, but stability is just as important as attraction. I’m sure that a lot of us have been in relationships that were so up, down and sideways that they sapped your energy, drained your happiness, and generally drove you to the brink of losing yourself. In many cases we find ourselves stuck in the cycle of these relationships because of the “spark” that it causes. This is the spark that Alex was referring to, the mind games. When you are exerting so much energy into a dysfunctional relationship it sucks you back in and in many cases needs to be rationalized – which is where this whole spark nonsense comes into play.
Here is my personal take on what that “spark” relationship is: in these relationships all emotions are felt in the extreme. If you are in one of these I highly suggest you turn around and leave, I’ve been there and I caution you that you may lose yourself. Call me, I will come pick you up.
Then there is the word stability. Let’s face it, the word is yawn worthy. It doesn’t inspire any images of hot sex, romantic dates or crazy trips around the world – but it’s just a word. What stability brings to the table is so much more. It is coming home to someone who asks how your day was. It is knowing that you will be called back. It is being able to sleep at night because you feel secure in the relationship. It is having his family call on your birthday. It is being able to let all of your yayas out, being able to bitch about people that piss you off and after it all it is being able to curl up under a blanket to watch Game of Thrones… then get your booty to bed, sleep or otherwise. Isn’t this what we really want?
The short answer is this: stability and attraction are vitally important to any relationship that is taken long term. Don’t allow yourself to be emotionally manipulated in the name of a spark. Know what is important to you and follow it. After all, we are into you.