Has anyone else noticed that when we aren’t sure about a man’s permanence in our lives we give them names of our own creation? Names that our friends can remember… names that typically give away a little bit of what they are good, or bad, at or a standout feature that sticks with us.
When we are giving our best friends the low-down on what exactly is going on with this guy we will use our name for him. Sometimes our friends forget that he has a real name. Sometimes we forget he has a real name. Usually, he does in fact have a name – although that name may eventually be Satan (true story).
Some of my all time favorites:
Not Great But Teachable Kisser: Guess what he is not great at, but has potential to be good at?
Motherfucker Jones: Quick question… think this guy is an asshole? Spoiler alert, yes.
Cheesy Roll Up: Knows that the ladies love taco’s, not afraid to offer them up.
The Republican: Can simultaneously run for senate and give you an orgasm, who knew?
Bernie Babe: Guess who he supported? Guess where he worked?
The One That Wouldn’t Touch Me: Referred to by this name far after his expiration date.
Rude Russian: Russian. Rude. Not Gerard Butler (unfortunately).
Penguin Man: Had a fondness for painting a ceramic animal… bet you can’t guess which one…
Orgasm King: This isn’t a hard one to decipher… or is it hard…. heh
Now, here’s a disturbing thought. What the hell are these guys calling us? While we are over here naming them by their good and bad and weird traits somewhere (in what I personally picture to be a dark and seedy room) they are naming us…. *cue twilight zone music*
Team TSL Names Ourselves:
Lauren (me… hi): “I’m sure they have all named me The Total Package, because obviously.”
Amanda: “Unless my nickname is The Answer To All Your Most Earnest Prayers and Wildest Fantasies I would rather not know.”
Tiana: “Protest girl… or plain Crazy, because anytime a woman feels super strongly about something and is vocal she’s usually labeled crazy.”
They probably aren’t naming us the most flattering things (although I would love to be wrong about this), if they are in fact naming us. Or they could be doing that silent man thing, where they just don’t refer to us. Or, a third option, we could all be “that girl.”
At any rate, if you are looking to name your man follow these short steps:
Brainstorm things he is good at
Brainstorm things he is bad at
Pick whichever one speaks to you the most
Add term of endearment to the end (unless it’s not endearing)
BOOM, you have a name
A rose by any other name would not smell as sweet, right?