I’ll be honest – I did not watch Gilmore Girls when it first aired. Or in the years since. Or when anyone (a great deal of you) harassed me to check it out. In the past few weeks, I finally succumbed, and I can’t believe it’s taken me this long. It’s got everything I could want: pop culture references. Coffee addictions. A Planned Parenthood poster in Rory’s college apartment. In honor of the new episodes that just dropped, and the fact that I am finally immersed in the world of Stars Hollow, here are the Gilmore dudes I would happily call my lover.
What’s not to love about Luke, besides the fact that he would probably vote Libertarian. We would still have a healthy amount of space, because he likes camping and fishing and I would rather have a tarantula lay eggs in my ears. My perfect date with Luke would include stealing coffee from his diner, complaining about everyone we know, drinking vodka out of a paper bag in his father’s unfinished boat, and then making out on top of a stack of pancakes. I’m gluten free, but my foreplay doesn’t have to be.
Although Jason isn’t as popular, with less airtime and an unconvincing jaw line, he is my curveball choice. I enjoy his immaculate apartment. I like that he cooks breakfast for his girl. The sleeping in separate beds thing, while on the surface may seem cold and futile, is a big win for me. Please, give me my orgasm, and then let me starfish across the bed and fall asleep without your sasquatch thigh digging into my back. What he lacks in rugged good looks he makes up for in persistence and attempts at facial hair. I believe in him.
Season 1 & 2 Dean was my favorite Dean. He was cute, goofy, and so damn devoted to his beloved. As the show progressed, his haircut and possessiveness of Rory really started to piss me off. It’s not Rory’s fault you slept with her and left your wife. It’s not Rory’s fault her grandparents are wealthy and she goes to an Ivy League school. Relax, and just stick to what you know, which is looking good in a varsity jacket and becoming increasingly morose.
I’ve never met a single person named Max that I didn’t want to (or already did) make out with. Max Medina is no exception. He is smart, charming, clever, and obsessed with Lorelai. He has the ethnic ambiguity I identify with and enjoy in partners. Together, we would have a great deal of fun letting people guess whether we were Spanish or Egyptian or Greek, and then teach each other foul words in our respective languages. He would fulfil a lot of teacher fantasies that would leave me bereft if I could not get them out of my system. I also feel like he may be open to dominating sex wherein he would be the submissive, and I find that very interesting.
Logan is annoying. If I spent time with him, 90% of my responses would be “stop calling me fucking Ace” and “why do you look like you don’t have any eyebrows?” I have to give him credit for defending Rory when his awful, expired milk grandfather said that a career girl wasn’t good enough for their bland, all-purpose flour family. Although if I was Rory, I would have said, “you know what, you’re right, you can’t handle me,” and gotten on the formal dining table to dance to Britney’s “Work Bitch.” Logan’s one redeeming quality is that he has great professional contacts that I would no doubt exploit, and then later hire him as my intern that would be paid exclusively in vending machine snacks and expired Groupons.
Honestly, fuck Jess. All this shearling-lined, denim-jacket-wearing frowning emoji ever did was walk around like a forlorn poet. He was very well read, and in a lot of ways, Jess reminds me of some classic American writers….in that I find him entirely exhausting and nowhere near as talented as he believes himself to be. To be specific, Jess is a lot like Hemingway. And given the opportunity, I would love to get into a bar fight with the both of them. I wouldn’t even want to hate fuck him, because he would be totally selfish in bed, and probably doesn’t know what a woman’s pleasure is supposed to look or sound like. Jess is the modern day dude who reads Bukowski, drinks whiskey, owns a beard grooming kit, and writes poems that are all like, “2 am – bourbon pollutes my veins – I breathe in her taste – the city is an unforgiving god“. Shut the fuck up. (Side note: Jess is played by Milo Ventimiglia, and although I loathe Jess, Milo can get it for real. Hit me up, boo).
Rami Malek aka “Andy”
He’s in one episode. You probably don’t remember it. Don’t have much else to say here, other than I bet Rami Malek is the type of dude to make you waffles and be adorably embarrassed when he burns them, or write notes to you in the margins of your favorite books when you aren’t looking, and for those reasons, I say he is just the right height to ride this ride.
BTW, if you were wondering, “why aren’t Tristan or Chris on this list,” kindly remove yourself from my life and never look back, good bye.