It’s your favorite game from high school, and maybe still is today. You remember the rules – you get three options. You have to pick one person to join in matrimony, one to kill, and one to know in a biblical sense. Let’s imagine it as a TV show, hosted by Tom Jones, where the stakes are high and everything matters.
Fade in to a 70’s style gameshow set with a studio audience. The crowd happily applauds when Tom Jones walks on stage.
Tom Jones: Good evening folks, and welcome to everyone’s favorite show…
Audience chants ‘Marry, Fuck, Kill!’
Tom Jones: That’s right! I’m your host, Tom Jones, legendary singer and one-time Fresh Prince of Bell Air guest star. Each week, we select one lucky contestant to decide which celebrity she’d like to marry, fuck or kill, after asking them a series of thought provoking questions.
Tonight, we have Tiana, a mid-twenties writer and the Guinness Book of World Record’s Worst Kickball Player of All Time. It says here you’ve never won a game and have only kicked the ball twice, is that true?
Tom Jones: Impressive!
Tiana: I did make it to first base, though.
Tom Jones: [Winks at the audience] Well, hopefully you make it past first base tonight.
Tom Jones: Tonight’s line up of celebrities includes an athlete, a politician, and an international model…
Audience ‘Oohs’ and ‘Ahs.’
Tom Jones: Any guesses?
Tiana: The only athlete I am aware of is myself any time I put on yoga pants and walk to my mailbox, so…. no.
Tom Jones: Great! Then without further, ado, I present to you….
A thick, velvet curtain begins to rise from stage right.
Tom Jones: John Cena…. Bernie Sanders… and Spanish supermodel Jon Kortajarena.
Audience erupts into cheers and applause. Tiana grins widely, not unlike an idiot.
Tom Jones: How are they looking, Tiana?
Tiana: Really great, Tom. This is probably going to be the hardest decision I have ever made.
Tom Jones: What about that time you posted two different bikini pics to Instagram and asked your followers to choose which one you should buy?
Tiana: That was hard, too.
Tom Jones: And maybe a little self-indulgent?
Tiana: Didn’t you once claim to have slept with 250 groupies in a year?
Tom Jones: Moving on. We’re going to start off the evening by giving each celebrity an opportunity to introduce themselves and present their case. [Chuckling] After all, no one wants to be the one who gets killed.
Tom Jones: Gentlemen, you have the floor!
John Cena steps forward.
John Cena: What’s up, my name is John Cena. You probably know me as a WWE professional wrestler and popular internet meme of 2015. What you may not know is that I own 400 pairs of cargo shorts and have swallowed Macklemore whole.
Tiana: Is that why we haven’t heard from him in a while?
John Cena: Yes. It’s also how I got this haircut.
Tom Jones: Up next we have presidential hopeful, Bernie Sanders!
Bernie lumbers toward the spotlight.
Bernie Sanders: Hi, I’m Bernie Sanders. I believe in a strong middle class, bringing an end to fracking, and holding big banks responsible for the financial crisis of 2008. I have also used snapchat before, although I cannot say I understand the dog filter.
Tom Jones: And last but certainly not least, let’s bring up Jon Kortajarena.
Jon Kortajarena grins sheepishly. 12 of the 100 audience members orgasm.
Jon Kortajarena: Hola. I’m Jon. I’ve starred in Tom Ford campaigns, have almost a million Instagram followers and possess dimples you want to take a roman bath in. Mostly, I enjoy smiley face emojis and keeping my sexuality a closely guarded secret.
Tiana: Can you please say something in Spanish?
Jon Kortajarena: Los Angeles.
Tom Jones: Such a sensual language. Okay Tiana, it’s time for you to take the reins and interview our celebrity guests. Are you ready?
Tiana: This is, I believe, the moment God designed me for.
Tom Jones: Super! Take it away, then!
Tiana turns and addresses all three men.
Tiana: Okay, boys. First question – if you were on the show 30 Rock, which character would you be?
John Cena: Hmm. Tough question. I like the style and class of Jack Donaghy, but with the uninhibited spirit of Tracy Jordan. I mean, I can really wear the hell out of a suit, but I also like to have fun. And like Tracy, I also love skittles and conspiracy theories.
Audience nods approvingly.
Bernie Sanders: 30 Rockefeller! I was born in Brooklyn, you know. I’ve rode the subway a time or two.
Tom Jones: Time is limited, Bernie. Let’s stick to the questions.
Bernie Sanders: Alright, alright. I think I am a mix between Pete Hornberger and Kenneth Parcell. Pete is a regular guy who just wants to provide for his family. Just a regular, middle class working guy. And Kenneth has the ambitious, fresh optimism of an activist. He wants to do well, for all people, and make his workplace a place of safety and enjoyment for everyone. I think, I could also be, any pigeon that was caught on-frame. Perhaps one eating a French fry, or rallying with other pigeons. A regular, working pigeon with a grassroots movement.
Tiana: I identify with that.
Jon Kortajarena: I have not seen 30 Rock, hehe. But, I have seen Friends. I love Friends. Chandler is a very funny guy.
Tom Jones: Tiana, did you get enough out of Jon’s response?
Tiana takes a deep, long look at Jon Kortajarena. He runs his hands through his soft yet perfectly coiffed hair and offers her a bashful smile.
Tiana: [inhales sharply] Yep. Got what I needed.
Tom Jones: Alright, next question, then!
Tiana: Let’s say we go out to karaoke. What is your go-to song?
John Cena: Oh, that’s easy. “Let It Go,” from Frozen.
Tiana: Is that so?
John Cena: I love a good power ballad.
Tiana: Oh…kay. Bernie?
Bernie opens his mouth to speak, but Tom Jones interrupts.
Tom Jones: [laughing to himself] Bernie, is yours “Don’t Stop Believing,” since you have yet to suspend your campaign?
Bernie Sanders: I don’t appreciate your snide comments, Tom. And no, my karaoke song would be “Burning Down the House.” Which is one of your songs, coincidentally.
Tom Jones: That’s touching.
Bernie Sanders: My marketing people would change the title to “Berning Down the House,” however. Just so you know.
Tiana: It sounds like the right move, Bernie. Jon Kortajarena, what would you sing?
Jon Kortajarena: Something by Barbara Streisand, or Cher. Or maybe something by Hoobastank. I don’t know. I could also just maybe beat on a drum and read my measurements.
Jon Kortajarena winks at the audience. Nearly everyone dies.
Tom Jones: [adjust his collar and fans the sweat from his face] Tiana, final question. Go.
Tiana: If I were to pick you for marriage, what would our one-year anniversary gift be?
John Cena: I would go to Mt. Rushmore, punch the shit out of Thomas Jefferson’s nose, and squeeze that big hunk of rock for so hard and so long that it becomes the world’s biggest diamond. I could get it set in platinum bands after that, but it’s up to you.
Bernie Sanders: For starters, I think universal health care is a right, not a privilege. I would also work on public education and provide refinancing options, establish better wages for the working class and make earnest strides toward a sustainable environment.
Tom Jones: That’s wonderful, Bernie, but what would you do for Tiana specifically?
Tiana: Actually, I’m more interested in what your stamina is like, Bernie?
Bernie Sanders: I think my record as Senator of Vermont speaks for itself.
Tiana: I meant sexually.
Bernie Sanders: Oh.
Tom Jones: You’ve seen how many children he has, right?
Tiana: That’s a fair point. Okay, let’s go to Jon Kortajarena, then. Jon, what would your gift to me be?
Jon Kortajarena: Hehe, well first of all, I would start the day with lots of “I Luv You” texts with winky emojis. Then I would give you a boudoir album of me acting out all of your favorite fantasies.
Tiana: Even the one where I sleep with a ghost?
Jon Kortajarena: Yes, especially that one. Then, after a romantic dinner on the River Seine, we would take a moonlit stroll back to my Paris flat, where I would run a bath for us and drink red wine out of your belly button. After that…we’ll see where the night goes.
Paramedics perform chest compressions on an audience member who passed out and rolled down the stairs.
Tiana: That sounds…
Tom Jones: Spectacular?
Tiana: I don’t think the English language has words committed to how mind numbingly pleasureable that night would be.
Tom Jones: I agree. But now, Tiana, it’s time for you to make your decision. You’ve gotten to know a little more about John Cena, Bernie Sanders and Jon Kortajarena. So what’s it going to be – who do you want to Marry, Fuck or Kill?
Tiana looks from one man, to the next, and to the other with furrowed brows. The audience members that have yet to pass out or expire wait on baited breath.
Tiana: I have to say, John and Jon, it was tough to decide between the two of you. I appreciate both sets of abs and all 4 of your combined arms. However, based on the language barrier and thick eyebrows, I am going to have to say I’d like to fuck Jon Kortajarena.
The audience erupts in cheers and applause. Someone throws a diaphragm on stage.
Jon Kortajarena: Besos.
Tom Jones: Nice choice Tiana, I’m sure you two will have a lovely evening together. And hopefully a productive morning, too. Now, it’s between John Cena and Bernie Sanders. Who are you going to marry…and who are you going to kill?
The studio is completely silent, waiting for her response.
Tiana: The choice is pretty clear, Tom. I think it’s been clear to me since I first heard his name. Without a doubt, a hundred times over, I would love to marry Bernie Sanders.
Bernie grins. John Cena becomes enflamed with rage.
Tom Jones: Bernie, do you take Tiana as your wife?
Bernie Sanders: Sure. I poll well with millennial audiences.
Tom Jones: That means, John Cena – you’ve been sentenced to death.
John Cena: Not if I make it out of here alive first.
John Cena slams past Bernie Sanders, knocking him to the ground. He shoves a camera out of his way and scales the walls like a dexterous amphibian. The audience screams as he head-butts the wall, leaving a gaping hole that he flings himself out of.
Tiana rushes to Bernie’s side and helps him up. He claps her on the back in thanks. Thinking better of himself, he follows up with a respectful kiss on the cheek. Jon Kortajarena sees this, pulls Tiana from Bernie’s loving stare and into a deep, lustful kiss. Feeling very much like she’s in a Tina Belcher dream sequence, Tiana grabs the butts of both men and smiles contently.
Tom Jones: What a beautiful evening this has turned out to be! That’s all for tonight folks. Tune in next week, when Twenty Something Living Founder Lauren Harbury picks from Channing Tatum, Zayn Malik and either of the Hemsworth Brothers to decide who she’d rather….
Audience says in unison, ‘Marry, Fuck, Kill!’
Tom Jones: Goodnight!
Tom Jones’ hit, ‘What’s New Pussycat’ plays. Everything fades to black.