Ah, the fuckboy. Also known as “fuck boi,” depending on how much you hate them. These are the dudes that will send you unsolicited pictures of their phallus and then complain when they see women breastfeeding babies. Which is, you know, what breasts are for. If you come into contact with a man who exhibits any of these warning signs, beware – you may be dealing with a fuck boy.
Owns no less than 6 Lakers Snapbacks
Thinks that women who wear makeup and can rock a contour are “lying” or “tricking” them, but will get hard at pictures of Kate Upton. Who wears makeup.
Still has posters of women (again, probably Kate Upton), taped to their walls
Has a Tinder profile that is just gym selfies with one arm flexed
Tips $3 on a $50 bar tab
Will say at the end of a date, “Well since you’re a feminist, why don’t you pick up the tab?” The only answer to this is “Sure, as soon as I’m no longer making 75 cents for every one of your dollars, I’d be happy to,” and then take a handful of his fries before you walk out.
Likes Floyd Mayweather
Says things like “I believe in traditional family values” but only means this when it applies to women (i.e. he’s allowed to drink a shot of whiskey out of a bellybutton, but you need to be a virgin)
Takes pictures on rooftop bars with his friends. Everyone holds a vodka soda and points at the camera. Smize.
IS STILL WATCHING TOSH.0
Hates the new Ghostbusters movie before it even comes out
Has never smiled in their life. Not once.
Makes jokes about white girls liking Starbucks and selfies, but will actually collapse and die if anyone suggests that white dudes are like an unflavored oatmeal packet
Really adores the #NotAllMen hashtag
Has owned a goatee at least once in their life
Posts memes that feature Leonardo DiCaprio in Wolf of Wall Street
Has a quote in Latin tattooed somewhere on their body, usually including the words “strength” or “persistence” or “warrior”
Shares articles titled “5 Fashion Trends Women Wear That All Men Hate” but has never considered the fact that their toes look like broken, bony dicks in flip flops
Pretends like they can’t tell which celebrity men are attractive, despite the fact that they have eyes
Prefaces anything that resembles a compliment toward another straight male as “no homo”
Thinks cartoon women are hot
Will get REALLY MAD at this list
If you happen to spot a fuckboy, tell a friend. Know the warning signs, and avoid them at all costs. If a fuck boy tries to engage in conversation with you, repel them by mentioning Taylor Swift, tampons, or any bodily function that literally all humans experience but women are supposed to be too dainty to acknowledge. Remember – if you see something, say something.