Thank you for your interest in “This Is What You Get for Studying English in School and Quitting Your Bio-Med Double Major,” our charming apartment community in the heart of Debt City. Please fill out the below information for unit 6B [Square Footage = 6 Ladybugs, Monthly Rent = 4,000 Persian Rubies].
We see that your credit score is less than pristine, due to the fact that you are 26 and have not established enough credit yet. Conversely, you have too much in student loans. Also, this application is $40, super thanks.
Do you have pets? Sorry, no pets. Did you have a UTI once? Sorry, that also counts. Please leave the premises.
Please provide us with the contact information and recent paystubs of 18 personal references, none of which may be relatives, all of whom must be a member of parliament and have better credit than you (the latter should be easy to find).
Do you dry shampoo your hair? Okay, because you look a little too greasy to be living near hardwoods floors.
When was the last time you had sex? Not allowed. Goodbye.
Check all that apply: do you
–drink more than 1-2 alcoholic drinks a week
–drink more than 1-2 alcoholic drinks a night
–listen to Macklemore
–fill in your eyebrows
–fantasize about Jeff Goldblum
Have you seen Moonlight yet? No? Fuck you, get out.
Can we have your current landlord’s information? Can we ask about that time she caught you in the pool, swimming in your underwear and making out with that dude?
What is your height/weight/blood pressure/glucose level/total number of gray hairs?
How much was your last purchase at Ulta? Yikes.
Thank you. The deposit will be $11,000. We prefer a cashier’s check, but will also accept bone marrow and/or the essence of your fleeting youth and beauty, stored in an empty La Croix can.