Today I was walking through Freedom Park when it hit me, I’m happy.
Happy in a way that bears ties to no one but myself. Happy in a way that allows me to look at and actually see what is happening all around me. Happy in a way that feels like freedom. Happy in a way that feels honest. Happy in a way that feels real, that feels true.
Does it ever hit you? How far, exactly, we can come from our lowest points? Do you ever sit back and let the memory of a different time wash over you? Then thank the universe that you are no longer in that time?
As I sit down on a park bench in the sun I really allow myself to feel – something I am notoriously bad at. I sit there like a lunatic, huge smile plastered to my face, wondering why everything seems brighter today than it did yesterday, last week, last month and last year. Wondering how, after so much shit, my heart can feel so light. How even when the memories of all of those downright heartbreaking and soul crushing moments wash over me that is all that I feel – them washing away. Instead, I am feeling the sun on my face, the wind on my skin and the joy of simply being.
The joy of being untethered to something that broke my heart on a daily basis. The joy of being free from something that stressed me out so badly that I started the mornings throwing up from anxiety. The joy of being unattached to any of it. The joy of being completely, utterly, all-encompassingly free.
Most importantly, the joy of being alive and happy and excited.
We all tie ourselves to things that bring us nowhere but down, we do. It can be people, jobs, family, even ourselves. I know that I do. Sometimes I feel so entrenched that it is like I am buckling myself down, locking myself to the shitty thing even when I know it is headed straight to hell, which is exactly where it should stay. I get so committed to where I am that I cannot see any way out except for to continue.
Sometimes, perhaps more frequently than I would like to admit, I am the one standing in the way of my happiness. I am the one standing in the way of feeling joy. I am the one standing in the way of progress. I am the one standing in the way of being wholly, honestly, wonderfully, completely me.
It’s something that I have been working on this year. Something I think is important to tackle.
So, today, for the wind on my skin and the sun on my face – I am happy.