Hi, and welcome to the 1-800-NO-THANKYOU hotline!
Press 1 if you are an old man in Starbucks. Press 2 if you look like a corrupted senator. Press 3 if you think women who wear makeup are lying. Press 4 for all of the above.
Hello, you have been given this number because (automated recording: “Tiana Byers”) did not wish to speak to you and felt threatened by your persistence and inability to understand no as not a request, but a demand. No can be communicated through body language (see: back turned away from you, disinterest in making eye contact, arms crossed over chest in case breast laser guns cannot be controlled and fire off at random), or through verbal communication. If you heard “no, no thank you, I have a boyfriend, I have a husband, I’m gay,” or “I would rather have a tarantula lay eggs in my ears,” then you can rest assured, she does not want to talk to you any longer.
I understand that, by virtue of standing in the same dimensional plane as you, Tiana Byers must be available for your visual and/or physical consumption. If it were possible, she would have converted her molecules into a viscous fluid and slid down the drain to avoid you, or animorph into a giant, reptilian nightmare and digest you in one fell bite. Sadly, as a meager human woman, her only option was to stand there, and a) wait for her latte, trapped behind you in line, b) have the audacity to buy groceries, or c) exist.
If you take this message personally, I am happy to inform you that we sincerely do not care. Your emotional well-being is not our responsibility. Please read a couple of magazines, take a hot bath, eat 4 almonds and think about how your predatory behavior makes women wish they had super human strength so they could smash you and turn your rib cage into an accordion.
We recommended you never speak to women again, or at the very least, watch the airport scene from Love Actually until your eyes disintegrate and your entire body decomposes into a heap of khaki pants, New Balance shoes, poorly spelled Instagram DM’s and “What are you wearing right now ;)” text messages.
Thank you – good bye!