Now that I have reached the ripe old age of twenty five (almost) I can flat out allow myself to say that picking partners (whether for the night, or the future) who have a shitload of emotional baggage is my super special secret talent. Possibly less secret now that I’ve said it.
This past weekend, after a particularly good emotional baggage mind fuck from a seemingly nice guy, I turned to my best friend and said “why is it that I pick these emotionally fucked up people, and then I’m surprised when they are emotionally fucked up?!” to which she responded “don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to.”
But here’s the thing, I do know why it is that I land with these men who from the outside look like they have it together, but in reality are far from it. It’s because I am emotionally fucked up too.
Hell, I’m game for emotional baggage – everyone has it, right? I’m more than happy to be the shoulder to lean/cry on and the body to fuck, or one.. or the other. Although to be honest, if you’re going to be the shoulder to lean/cry on it’s nice to get the friends with bennies aspect as well.
The mind fucking guy, we’ll call him Sean*, is someone that I ran across on Tinder (reason #1 I shouldn’t have been surprised), who was upfront about being separated and having split custody of his young son (yes, I know, red flags- but let’s be honest, there is nothing sexier than a hot dad). He was, of course, smoking hot (you knew that was coming). He was also nice and seemed funny (murderers can also pull this off I’m sure). So we decided to get over the first meeting hump by grabbing some beers… which lead to a different kind of humping.
Here’s the thing. I’m not a girl that expects to see a guy again. But I’ll be honest, I really did want to see this guy again, sue me. It wasn’t just the phenomenal multi-round sex, or the fact that he made me cum more intensely that I ever have before, it was BECAUSE he had emotions (read: emotional baggage). My own emotional fucked-upness connects best with people who have emotional baggage- what can I say?
Now, morning comes, he heads out and there’s radio silence….. Followed by a text that said “We had a great time last night, but my brain is really struggling with what we did. I still love my wife, and ultimately want to be with her. Didn’t want to give you the silent treatment without an explanation.”
You guys – what the holy hell is wrong with me?! I’m an insane person for thinking this was a good idea. Of course, I texted back that it was fair, but that if he felt like he could deal with his brain issues that I would like to see him (read: sleep with him) again (not trying to catch a case of the feelings here, people… right? Maybe.) …. radio silence for 12 hours, then contact reinitiated. Then some back and forth about how he “just knows” this would “end badly” because there’s “no way” he wouldn’t get “feelings” for me… followed by saying he would come over… followed by saying we should get together tomorrow since he was tired and had just dropped his son off at his moms house. Followed by a sexy text or two (hey, if you’re out there – the bed invite still stands, just saying).
Next day rolls around – SILENCE. Radio. Fucking. Silence. Not a peep. Which is why I decided it was appropriate to send a “you’re the worst” meme. To make a longish story shortish, Sean needed a week to think about “need” v. “want,” which when put in the perspective of one night is a little ridiculous, maybe a little more than a little ridiculous. A few Snapchats later (#daddyissues) and a week had passed, at which point Sean shoots over the following:
“Hey. I’m sorry. I have decided I can not keep in contact with you. Too much temptation for me… I don’t trust myself not to screw up the possibility of my ex and I staying together.” Followed by “I know it sounds like bs, but I like you too much…”
I know, I know. I shouldn’t have been surprised. In fact, I should have seen it coming a mile away. In even more fact, I should have just said “adios, see ya never” after that one night. I should have recognized that Sean was really struggling with things that are seriously important, far more important than a sex friend, his family. I shouldn’t have put up any sort of fight over it. I should have reined myself in and kept it simple, but let’s be honest, that isn’t easy… and to be even more honest, I just want him.
Adding emotional baggage to what should be a quick, easy, fun hook up (or friends with bennies) really does complicate things. It turns the situation from something you can enjoy and move on from (or with), into something that you find yourself sitting on the sofa trying to interpret while also trying to not be desperate (more difficult than I thought it would be).
As another good (male) friend said to me tonight – “It’s so goddamn simple. If he wants to go back to his wife get the fuck off of Tinder. If he wants to fuck you, then he should just fuck you. Men are always the ones to complicate it.” PREACH.
In the end, I suppose the fact is that I just didn’t put my best non-emotional foot forward here, I let the emotional baggage give me a case of the feels for Sean.
Which leads me to a tangentially related series of questions: Why is it that great sex and feelings are rarely found in the same person? Why is it that even when we try to keep our non-emotional foot forward it has a way of falling behind? Why is it that a case of the feels is something that we all want, but also pull away from as soon as it’s on offer? Why can’t we keep the simple things simple? Why does there usually have to be a second act to something that could have been over after the first act? Why is it that emotional baggage draws us deeper instead of sending us on our way? Why is it that Sean isn’t in my bed right now? (kidding, kidding.. sort of)
And most importantly – when will emotional baggage not be something that we have to worry about every time we open our apps, answer our phones, meet for a beer, or invite a man between our legs?
If anyone knows – help a sister out.
* name has been changed