Wouldn’t it be great if boys came with taglines? That way you would know exactly what you were getting before putting in the effort only to be dissapointed later (feel free to hop on my #bitterbandwagon). I mean, I know we are all capable of ignoring the signs that are in front of us, but if they came with a tagline maybe we would actually stop and think about what we were getting ourselves into.
Try this on for size:
“Average penis. 10/10 will break your heart and eat your food.”
“Goes against the grain. Doesn’t believe in buying dinner.”
“Loves dogs, just not yours. This will not change.”
“Blames emotional problems on parents. Should go to therapy… won’t.”
“Will get drunk and hit on your friends. 12/10 creep.”
“Has cheated. Will cheat. Likes cheating.”
“Knows exactly what to tell you, acts the opposite.”
“Will ask questions about your previous sex life, then pout about the fact that you’ve been with other people.”
“Is not over the ex. I repeat, is not over the ex.”
“Expects sex on the first date. Also wants to be the only person you’ve slept with on a first date. 10/10 moron.”
That’s not to say that boys are only the devil, although most are….
What about if they came with these taglines?
“Will communicate daily. Actually enjoys talking to you.”
“Satisfying you in bed is the goal, I cum second.” (#SEXPUNS)
“Genuine. Kind. Smart. Stable.”
“Will take you out on dates. Will introduce you to friends. Will make friends with yours.”
“Wants to hear about what makes you happy. Wants to do those things with you.”
“Spends time with you, but will not smother you.”
I’ll admit, writing the first section of these was much more fun, not to mention much more accurate. The somewhat sad fact of the matter is that no matter how much we may wish that boys came with tag lines, they just don’t. There’s no way to know who someone is without getting to know them. There’s no way to know if a guy will dick you over, unless you pay attention to what they are doing and have done in the past. There’s no way to know if the nice guy is the right guy, you just have to enjoy the ride and see where it goes.
Now, if I were a guessing woman – which I am – I would say that after spending between two weeks and a month seeing someone we could all write these taglines for the men that we are seeing. Be honest.