“You’re going to have to take off your pants,” Amanda says to me as we shiver in my bedroom.
Snow is falling and we are working on a sexy photo shoot for my man. No, we aren’t outside in the snow, but honestly it’s just as cold in here as it is out there. Reluctantly, I step out of my black leggings and sprawl pseudo-seductively across my bed. My right boob immediately wanders off on its own adventure. Get back here.
Off to a great start… right?
It’s a thing that happens to us all- you want to send a sexy picture, but you end up snapping thousands that have you looking like a beached whale in lingerie, which really isn’t quite what you were going for.
Thankfully I have Amanda, who sticks her hand down my shirt and boob wrangles while saying “Okay, I’m just going to straddle your head for a minute…” as she snaps photos. Yes, I’m looking at you man candy, it’s really my best friend taking those steamy photos that are burning through your phone screen. No, they aren’t quite as natural as you think they are.
“Lay like this..”… “Now turn..”… “Now look down… no not like that, just with your eyes..”
For every good shot, there are at least twenty where my arm is awkwardly placed, my hand is mid-motion, or my leg looks freshly amputated. Two minutes of photo-taking are followed by five minutes of uncontrollable laughter because WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?! Do our men have any idea how how much planning and motivation are required to strip down to our skivvies and pose seductively for someone who’s not even there?
Long gone are the carefree days of youth when sexting was as easy as sexy pose, snap, giggle, send.
“Does that angle give me double chin?”
“Why isn’t my ass perkier?!”
“Does my arm look fat?”
Amanda: “You look uncomfortable.” Me: “Because I AM uncomfortable!”
Amanda: “Let’s try this.” Me: “Lingerie switch! How about red?”
On and on we go. Pose. Cringe awkwardly. Pose again. Smile. Cast your eyes down. Get into it. Start feeling sexy. Nail a few poses. Stop to review favorites.
Give a pair of girlfriends an hour and you are almost guaranteed to get a few photos that you really love, and that your man will love too. Next up, run the favorites through your other two or three besties for final approval, bask in the glow of the “DAMN GINA” and “his pants are going to move when he opens that,” then hit send.
As with most things in life, it is often much more about the process than the final result. But the process is the fun part, if you can learn to laugh at yourself and accept the fact that none of us are perfect. Embrace your imperfections, thank God for friends who’ll unapologetically stick their hands down your shirt in the name of photography, and send that pic to #bae with confidence.
In David’s Guetta’s famous words, you’s a sexy bitch.
Snap, giggle, send.