Hello my lovely rose lovers – The Bachelorette was back this week after a week off and wowza was this just a time filler of an episode…I mean, a very dramatic chapter in the journey to find love. Except not really – spoiler alert, exactly what I said was going to happen happened and James Taylor and Alex were sent home this week. The men continuing to hometowns are: Jordan (big surprise there), Luke (come to my body), Robbie (what is that hairstyle sir?) and Chase (do you have more than one facial expression?). But the most important question as always is: how did we get there? Strap in readers here we go.
We start off by staying in the same place as last week – Buenos Aries. Alex whines about his one on one time and gets the first one on one date although there is not a rose offered on this date, which makes Alex think he’s safe. Oh poor Alex, have you never seen this show before? Anyway, JoJo literally takes Alex OUT TO PASTURE on their date and they meet two legit Gauchos who show them how to make love to a horse. I’m serious. If anyone was thinking of seeing Equus on stage, skip it and just watch The Bachelorette from this week. This off-Broadway show had everything, a gaucho talking about conquering a horse’s heart, a man straddling a horse, a horse’s front legs legit on this man’s shoulders….you get the picture. Basically it was more action than Alex could ever hope to get from JoJo. When the sweaty bestiality calms down, Alex tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her and JoJo in return gives him full Chrissy Teigen faced realness:
JoJo lets Alex know that she’s not as excited as she should be about the prospect of their relationship and sends him packing. She goes on a one on one date with Jordan and tbh I spent most of their date being jealous and drinking red wine. In stark contrast from Alex’s nightmare date, Jordan was picked up in a stretch limo and he and JoJo took a private jet gallivanting around the country. Hmmm I wonder why she felt like that was more romantic than her time in the grass with Alex? So strange. But anyway, the most intriguing thing we find out here is that Jordan does NOT have a good relationship with his famous NFL brother because manly familial reasons. Next she goes on a group date with James, Chase and Robbie and they hang out in a hotel suite playing charades and truth or dare, which leads to Robbie getting into his Calvin Klein boxer briefs and running throughout the halls. Robbie gets the group date rose and gets to make out with JoJo on the roof of the hotel as the storm rages on around them. The cold never bothered me anyway, but it does bother James Taylor who tried to win JoJo’s affection by playing a variation of Chubby Bunny and just spent the date shoving a large number of french fries in his mouth to show his prowess. It didn’t work.
Next JoJo goes on a one on one date with Luke, tbh I spent most of their one on one date inside my wine addled brain drooling about Luke in his denim button down shirt with one button too many unbuttoned. Here’s a gratuitous shot of Luke shirtless because Happy Tuesday:
Okay obviously Luke stays. And that’s a wrap ladies and gents. We go straight to the rose ceremony and JoJo must decide who she can see a future with enough to go meet their families next week. She cuts poor good ole boy James Taylor, who I feel has been trying to tug heartstrings to become the next bachelor by saying stuff like “I just don’t know when I’ll find the woman who feels the way I feel” etc etc all that woe is me nonsense. Next week JoJo meets the families and there’s some pretend drama about Jordan’s relationship with his famous brother, plus Robbie not being over his ex, and then some footage of JoJo in a flawless blue dress crying, declaring “MY HEART IS BROKEN.” Stay tuned to find out why JoJo is crying this time and to see Jordan and Luke advance one step closer to being the final two in this wicked game of love.