Last week I filled all of your newsfeeds with my wish list of Game of Thrones’ most eligible bachelors, shockingly in a show that seems to crush hopes and dreams, I still found some potential love interests, I mean who can resist a man with a sword? (sexual innuendo intended)
Let’s be honest though, while there are some potentials amongst the massive number of characters, there are also some (a shit ton) of skeevy, vile male characters I would need more distance from than there is from The Wall to Westeros, (looking at you Walder Frey). And since Game of Thrones, thrives on death and all around evil behavior, let’s just say that this list has the potential to be rather extensive. I compiled my top five WORST dating potentials from the show and they all seem to fit the habits of real live fuck boi’s (but with a hint of psychopathic murderer sprinkled in there.)
First on the list we have:
Let’s start with the elephant in the room : INCESTUOUS BEHAVIOR. I don’t care how attractive you think he is, he sleeps with his sister so that basically rules out any chances for him as being remotely acceptable to date. Not only does he sleep with his TWIN, but he’s also the father of three children between them, imagine explaining that to your parents? “Hey mom and dad, meet my new boyfriend and his three children who are products of incest and treason. Did I mention he’s a leftie?” Which also brings us to my next point, his prosthetic solid gold hand. When the Game of Thrones universe inflicts karma, it usually does so by removing body parts or killing your whole family. For Jamie here, he lost his right hand, which is basically his identity since he’s no longer as threatening as he once was as the infamous Kingslayer. No one needs a man with that much baggage.
Probably, definitely, the most obvious choice, but the list wouldn’t be complete without him. In case you had your doubts about how evil Ramsay was after watching him dismember Theon, it became pretty fucking obvious when he married Sansa. Nothing like your man cheating on you with his evil little sidekick in training or having a hobby of feeding his enemies to his man-eating dogs. Oh and did we mention his daddy issues? The emotional baggage of never being good enough of for your emotionally abusive father really begins weigh on a guy after a while, ya know? Just be sure to keep the number of times you use “bastard” to a minimum around this one, touchy subject.
Honestly the least trustworthy person on the planet. Every time he offers his advice or assistance to anyone, I scream at my tv. HOW COULD YOU TRUST HIM?! HAVE YOU PEOPLE LEARNED NOTHING ?! Aside from his extreme lack of reliability – except for instances that concern Sansa because we all know he’s hoping to be next on her ever growing list of husbands. Also I don’t know about you, but I don’t know if I could be with someone who owns brothels for a living… seems a little skeevy for boyfriend material, but maybe that’s just me. Also, we all know that none of us can ever compare to Little Finger’s (side note: is that nickname supposed to be an hint for something??) love for Catelyn Stark. And let’s all be honest, he’s into some weird mother daughter shit since he’s now pining over Sansa, creeeeeepyyyyyy.
Just like Little Finger, I don’t trust him for a second. Also, going with the weird nickname trends Lord Varys is fondly known as The Spider, and I hate spiders so we’re already destined for failure. When we first met Lord Varys in the first few seasons, I didn’t know what to make of him, but I knew well enough not to trust him. Even now, while he’s playing House with Tyrion and Danerys, I’m pretty sure he’s in it all for himself. And let’s not also forget his lack of a pretty important male body part that everyone loves to bring up. That’s gotta be a little jarring on a man’s personality. Oh and his affinity for robes gives me the creeps and he’s bald, so basically there’s no hope for us.
If you couldn’t tell, I’m really missing my Sunday nights filled with GoT, so who knows, I might come at you with another post next week, this time, let’s look at our favorite ladies.