Are you single on Valentine’s Day? Me too (at least, at the time of writing, which is approximately 12:20pm on December 14, 2016, I am single. Slim to none chance that will change in two months’ time, but you never know). There is nothing wrong with being single on this day, or any other. In fact, there are so many things to do! Like watch the Love Actually airport scene on an endless loop and sob! Here are some other fun things you can do to fill your day with unbridled pleasure.
Schedule a colonoscopy
Die, and come back in your next life as Blue Ivy Carter
Buy envelops. Print out wallet size glossy photos of Maury Povich. Sign you are the father on the back in classic western calligraphy. Deliver them to your neighbors with no return address.
Do Guy Fieri’s “Dinners, Drive-Ins and Dives” cross-country road trip, popping in to eat all of the bloated tacos, overstuffed burgers, and meat infused meat that Guy once had. Follow the cholesterol, follow your heart.
Start writing a series of highly-anticipated romance novels, and make sure everyone dies at the end of each one. People love that.
Hand out pamphlets on chemtrails
Learn how to say “fuck you” in every language. I’ll start: Serbian, jebi se.
Write out a complete list of things Donald Trump respects more than women. (Gas station hotdogs. Muppets. The color red. Etc.)
Drink 8 cups of coffee, rip your shirt in two and scream into the wind
If you pass someone holding a bouquet of red roses, rip off one of the buds and eat it
Tweet to conservative news media that you have something urgent to share about Hillary Clinton’s emails. Then, when they DM you, send them this video.
Real talk – being single is cool. It’s better to wait for the right person, than jump into something just to hide your loneliness. And remember, 30 women willingly competed on VHI1’s Rock of Love, a reality show to win the affection of bandana queen Brett Michaels. There’s someone for everyone. Just sit tight and enjoy the magnitude of your own presence.