If you need help deciding if that outfit looks good on you (of course it does, you adorable little blossom) or whether or not you should dump your bad boyfriend (DUMP HIM), then you’ve come to the right place. However – if you need advice regarding any of the following queries… then oh, buddy. We’re in trouble.
I’m sad. What’s a healthy way to deal with this burden?
Go to a boozy brunch, stay for so long you can legally claim squatters rights, and then get your nipples pierced afterward.
My boyfriend just broke up with me. What’s a good Spotify playlist to listen to?
DMX’s Ruff Ryders’ Anthem. Just Ruff Ryders’, over and over again. I don’t know why you’re looking at me like that.
Should I sleep with this dude that is the physical embodiment of “Bad Idea”?
LOL no, but did I take my own advice? Also no.
What kind of workout do you recommend?
One day of Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred, followed by 29 days of crying into a bag of pita chips.
Should I download Bumble?
Yes, but only out of spite.
I really need to save money this month. How should I allocate my resources?
40% to rent and your car payment, 30% to organic Whole Foods eggs that came from a chicken with a Bachelor’s degree, 20% to bath bombs from Lush, 10% to those obnoxious Omaze celebrity fundraisers because you really want to meet Daniel Craig and make out with him in a Starbucks bathroom. I honestly don’t even know if that adds up to 100.
What’s a good first date idea?
Lying on a bearskin rug, drinking vodka and talking shit about capitalism.
How about a good first date outfit?
A merlot colored leather skirt, thigh highs, a black crop top, and a box cutter hidden somewhere on your person.
Have a good beauty routine I can follow?
I enjoy filling in my eyebrows and slowly gaining weight. I intend to look like Pavarotti by the end of the year.
I want to get more politically active. Where should I start?
(Climbs soap box. Shines political affiliation buttons on jacket. Taps mic.) Well FOR STARTERS, these godforsaken (long string of profanity that has been bleeped out) in the White House are (more beeps) and I’ll be DAMNED if (series of profane hand gestures) and then you’ve got every southern frat dude’s secret wet dream aka PAUL RYAN (rips jacket open to reveal BERNIE WOULD HAVE WON shirt, my father hangs his head in disappointment) and anyways, that’s how I ended up on the news.
Any other questions?