You woke up to beautiful sunshine gleaming through your window, birds chirping, and the idea of eating gargantuan loads of chocolate is on the horizon and then it dawns on you: you have to spend an entire day with your obnoxious, idiotic extended family. Already started prematurely stuffing chocolate in your face to cope? It’s alright. I have five recommendations nurtured over years of practice to help you get through this day. Deep breath, let’s begin.
1) don’t talk
I’m serious. Don’t do it. Just smile and nod. Say yes when appropriate, and if you must ask a question, say “Oh really?”. The less you engage others, the better. Trust me.
2) don’t fight, take the apathetic road
You’re cornered by those relatives who watch Fox news and collect their Welfare checks and use them to buy canned ham and gun amo. You’ve spotted them when you walked in, cringed, and have been avoiding making eye contact ever since, but now they got you. Crap is flying from their mouth faster than the one batch of buttered rolls were devoured. Hold it together, don’t take his bullshit bait. Try and find a pause, say “fascinating” and just walk away. Don’t start fighting facts with someone who bases their life in myths.
3) you’re stuck with your intensely talkative aunt, and you feel too bad to leave
Just focus on the food. I recommend a dip. Try and stand next to food during this convo. I prefer a dip because you can always blame its quick disappearance on the little cousins, or at least that’s what I’ve always done. Just focus on the colors of the food and how it tastes as your aunt slowly and circuitously tells you about her nine cats and diabetes.
4) buddy system
Find your favorite sibling and latch on. Then throw her at your talkative aunt when she comes your way. Girls gotta survive somehow.
5) find dat booze
When all else fails, snatch a few beers, put those in a hiding spot, snatch a few more and get to it. Peace be with you.