Whoever said “how can something be bad if it feels so good” has never gorged an entire bag of plantain chips or tried dating any of the following people. I know you want to give them the Marauder’s Map to your body, but don’t, trust me. Save yourself.
Unless you work for Disneyworld in Orlando and he’s the resident Prince Eric at Disneyland Japan, your proximity to this person is dangerous. Try as you might to avoid it, everything will inevitably implode, and your career could be damaged in the aftermath. Any time the temptation starts to overtake you, make a cup of coffee and calm the hell down. I now have a caffeine addiction and get the shakes around 3pm, but I still have a job (for now).
There is no such thing as “revenge sex” unless you end up with his lifelong hero, and Luke Skywalker now looks like Tim Curry, who is actually an earth worm. What’s even better than revenge sex is moving on with your life and forgetting all about that limp pasta noodle who has a crooked tattoo of his last name on his back. Dating an ex leaves you emotionally bankrupt. Don’t do it.
There is no positive outcome from this. It is a little known fact that virtually every dentist has the same latex fetish and paradoxically small teeth. This is the dude who, in spite of the fact that he is gainfully employed, will suggest “sitting on a park bench and making up back stories about passers-by” as a second date option. A toothbrush wearing a Barbie shoe is a better companion.
Any Kind of Teacher You Have
Is your college French teacher hot? How about your yoga instructor? Too bad, get over it. I know the “forbidden fruit” appeal makes your eyelids heavy with desire, but reality can never live up to the fantasy. In other words, the dude who pulls your calves and helps you with your Ujjayi breaths will keep his shirt on and then make you watch a documentary on Metta World Peace afterwards.
Guys Who Have “Travel. Adventure. Burritos” in Their Bumble Profile
Aside from how contrived and artificial their pronounced love of “adventure” feels, individually, these things are alright. However, I have seen no less than 30 of these profiles and the matching “holding a tiger/squad stunting on a mountain” photos, leading me to believe that Elon Musk is right, aliens are to be feared, and these dudes are actually lizards in human skin putting on what they believe to be the most convincing straight-guy-in-mid-twenties show.